The Impulse Judge: Roast Your Cart

A humorous browser extension that encourages mindful spending by challenging impulse purchases with satirical commentary.

🛒 STOP BUYING STUFF YOU DON'T NEED 🛒 Ever added something to your cart at 2 AM and woken up to regret? Yeah, us too. That's why we built The Impulse Judge, a browser extension that makes you confront your shopping decisions with humor, shame, and occasionally confetti. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⚖️ HOW IT WORKS When you click "Checkout" (by default) or "Add to Cart" (optional) on most shopping sites, The Impulse Judge appears with a witty roast about your impulse buying habits. You'll have two choices: ✅ RESIST - Walk away like the financially responsible adult you're pretending to be. Get showered with confetti and celebration! ❌ BUY ANYWAY - Fine, but you'll have to TYPE OUT the roast first. Nothing says "I accept my choices" like manually typing "I am clicking buy to fill the void in my soul." ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🚀 GET STARTED IN 30 SECONDS 1. Click "Add to Browser" above ⬆️ 2. Visit any shopping site (e.g.: Amazon) 3. Try to checkout 4. Meet The Judge (and your financial conscience) 5. Start saving money immediately That's it. No account needed. No credit card. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 💚 100% FREE FOREVER The Impulse Judge is completely free, unlike your therapist. ❌ No "premium roasts" ❌ No locked features ❌ No subscriptions ❌ No data collection ❌ No ads My accountant say this is the worst business model in history, but your wallet will thank me. If this extension saves you money and you want to say thanks, there's an optional "Buy Me a Coffee" link in the extension. But zero pressure, saving money is literally the point. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🔥 FEATURES THAT ACTUALLY WORK 📝 200+ UNIQUE ROASTS From existential crises to budget reality checks, we've got roasts organized by price, category, time, and situation: Late Night Shopping (11PM-5AM): • "It's 2 AM and I'm buying this. This tracks." • "Sleep is for people who don't impulse buy at midnight." • "My late-night shopping demon has entered the chat." Price-Based Reality Checks: • "I'm nickel-and-diming myself into poverty." • "I am financially consenting to this disaster." • "I am actively choosing poverty by spending this much." Checkout Confessions: • "I acknowledge that this checkout button is a trap." • "I am choosing dopamine over financial stability." • "I solemnly swear to hide these packages when they arrive." • "I confirm that my budget was merely a suggestion." Category-Specific Burns: • Fashion: "This will sit in my closet with tags on for 6 months." • Gaming: "I'm buying this even though my backlog of unplayed games judges me daily." • Electronics: "My tech graveyard of barely-used gadgets welcomes another member." • Beauty: "My bathroom cabinet isn't cluttered enough apparently." 👀 GOOGLY EYES THAT JUDGE YOU The Judge's cartoon eyes follow your cursor. You are being observed. Feel the appropriate shame. 💸 OPPORTUNITY COST CALCULATOR That $47 purchase? That's also: • 3.1 hours of work (at $15/hr) • 9 fancy coffees • 3 months of Netflix The extension shows you exactly what you're trading. Perspective hurts. 🔊 VOICE NARRATION (Optional) Toggle on The Judge's voice for full courtroom drama: • Opening: "Order in the court! Impulse purchase detected!" • When you resist: "Case dismissed! Your wallet thanks you for your service." • When you buy anyway: "Motion to spend, granted. The court offers its condolences to your savings." Very official. Very humiliating. Very effective. 💰 SAVINGS TRACKER See exactly how much money you've saved by resisting. Watch that number grow and feel smug about it. 🔥 STREAK SYSTEM Build your resistance streak. How many days can you go without an impulse buy? Challenge yourself. Brag to friends. 🏆 20+ ACHIEVEMENTS TO UNLOCK • First Victory - Resist your first impulse • Penny Pincher - Save $100 total • Savings Champ - Save $1,000 total • Night Owl - Late-night resist (11PM-5AM) • Night Hunter - 10 late-night resists • Streak Starter - 3 resist streak And more... 💵 MONTHLY BUDGET SYSTEM Set a spending limit. Go over? Get roasted: • "Your budget called. It's filing for emotional distress." • "Breaking: Local person discovers money is finite." 📊 ACTIVITY HISTORY Review every decision. Spot patterns: • You shop more on certain days (payday problems) • You're weak between 11 PM - 5 AM (we all are) • You resist more when The Judge is watching (that's the point) 🎨 FULL CUSTOMIZATION • Sound effects: ON/OFF • Voice narration: ON/OFF (dramatic courtroom announcements) • Trigger mode: Checkout only (default) | Add to Cart only | Both • Promo Code Troll: ON/OFF • Confetti celebration: ON/OFF (for resist victories) • "Only Sites" mode: Restrict to specific domains • "Never Sites" mode: Blacklist specific domains • Export/Import: Save your stats, move between devices 📤 SHARE WITH FRIENDS Know someone who impulse shops at 3 AM? Share The Impulse Judge. Spread financial awareness. Misery loves company, but so does money saved. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🕹️ BONUS: FREE WEB TOOLS Click "Free Tools" in the extension to open https://theimpulsejudge.com in a new tab. No login needed. Includes: 🎯 FREE "THERAPY" GAMES Mini-games that scratch the shopping itch without spending money: • Mystery Box of Disappointment (get terrible loot instead of debt) • Infinite Delivery Receipt (watch a $12 burrito become a car payment) • Reality Passport (stamp travel fantasies until wanderlust gives up) • The Void (type your craving, banish it forever) • Pet The Rock (emotional support mineral, zero batteries required) • Runaway Buy Button (chase it, realize impulse control is cardio) • I Am Rich Button (burn a pretend million so you stop burning real money) • Credit Card Shredder (therapeutic destruction, zero consequences) • Digital Bubble Wrap (pop until the urge deflates) • The Clicker (mash for serotonin without shipping emails) 🧮 "PAINFUL" CALCULATORS Math that shows what your cart really costs: • Time Cost Calculator: "That hoodie = 8 hours of your life” • Yearly Savings: "Your weekly 'treat' is a subscription to regret" • Investment FOMO: "Every impulse buy mugs your future self" • Inflation Reality Check: "Rising prices are turbocharging your bad habits" 📜 FINANCIAL SOBRIETY CERTIFICATE Generate a premium (yet totally free) badge of honor when you resist a purchase. Share on LinkedIn. Print and hang above your monitor. Frame it. You earned it. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🔒 PRIVACY? WE ARE OBSESSED WITH IT. ✅ ZERO data collection - we literally cannot see what you buy ✅ NO external servers - everything stays on YOUR device ✅ NO tracking pixels - we don't know who you are ✅ NO browsing history access - your secrets are safe ✅ NO ads ✅ Open-source code - audit it yourself We genuinely don't want your data. We don't have a database. We don't have analytics. We have standards. Full privacy policy: https://theimpulsejudge.com/privacy.html ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🔓 PERMISSIONS EXPLAINED This extension requires certain permissions to function. Here's exactly why: 📍 "Access your data for all websites" • Why we need it: To detect checkout/cart buttons across any shopping site you visit • What we actually do: Scan page text for buttons labeled "Checkout", "Buy Now", "Add to Cart", etc. • What we DON'T do: Read your passwords, credit card info, form data, or personal information • Local only: All detection happens in your browser. Nothing is transmitted externally. 🔔 "Display notifications" • Why we need it: To show achievement unlocks and streak reminders 💾 "Storage" • Why we need it: To save your stats, achievements, and preferences locally • Your data: Stays on YOUR device only. Not synced to our servers (we don't have servers). All data stays on your device. We have no servers, no database, no analytics. We genuinely cannot see what you do with this extension. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🌐 UNIVERSAL COMPATIBILITY Works on most major shopping sites. Compatibility varies. The extension detects checkout buttons automatically. If a site isn't working, report it and we'll attempt to add support. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ❓ FAQ Q: Will this block me from buying things I actually need? A: No. You can add websites to "Never Sites" so The Judge never activates on them. You can also proceed by typing the roast. It's a speed bump, not a roadblock. For true emergencies, disable it instantly (see below). Q: What if I need to buy something IMMEDIATELY? A: Three ways to bypass: 1. Open extension settings → Add site to "Never Sites" → Refresh 2. Click Extensions icon (🧩) → Toggle OFF → Refresh 3. Right-click extension icon → Disable temporarily Q: Does it work on mobile? A: Browser extensions only work on desktop/laptop browsers. Q: Can I customize which sites it works on? A: Yes! "Only Sites" mode (whitelist) or "Never Sites" mode (blacklist). Full control is yours. Q: What if a site breaks? A: Disable the extension for that site (add to "Never Sites"). If it's a bug, report it and we'll attempt to fix it. Q: Is my purchase data being tracked? A: Absolutely not. The extension sees that you clicked a button, that's it. No product names, no prices stored externally, no tracking. Q: Can I use this on my work computer? A: Yes, but ask IT first if your company has extension policies. (Though honestly, this might help your work-from-home "treat yourself" problem.) ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 💡 WHO IS THIS FOR? ✅ You, if you've ever: • Bought something at 2 AM you don't remember ordering • Have 47 browser tabs open with "saved for later" carts • Justified a purchase with "but it's on sale!" (it's always on sale) • Checked your bank account and thought "where did it all go?" • Own 3+ of the same item in different colors "just in case" • Added "just one more thing" to your cart 17 times • Told yourself "I'll return it" (narrator: they didn't return it) This extension is your accountability buddy. Your financial conscience. Your digital intervention. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⚠️ IMPORTANT LEGAL STUFF What This Extension Does: • Displays a humorous overlay when you try to checkout • All processing happens in YOUR browser only • You can dismiss it anytime by typing the roast, deciding against the purchase or adding the website to "Never On" list • Nothing is permanently changed on any website What This Extension DOESN'T Do: • Modify website code or functionality • Interact with retailer servers or payment systems • Collect your browsing history, purchases, or personal data • Transmit any information externally • Affect your ability to complete purchases (you control everything) Not Financial, Medical, or Therapeutic Advice The Impulse Judge is a humor-based entertainment tool for self-reflection. We are NOT: • Financial advisors, accountants, or investment professionals • Licensed therapists, counselors, or mental health professionals • Medical professionals treating shopping addiction, ADHD, or any disorder • A substitute for professional help if you have a genuine shopping addiction Important: References to "therapy," "addiction," or "help" are colloquial humor, not clinical services. If you believe you have a genuine shopping addiction, compulsive buying disorder, or any mental health condition, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. The "roasts" and messages delivered by The Impulse Judge are written for entertainment and satirical purposes. The "Judge" is a fictional character designed to be hyperbolic, stern, and judgmental. These messages are jokes, not personal attacks. By using the extension, you agree to be "roasted" and understand that these comments are not to be taken literally or seriously. Not Affiliated: The Impulse Judge is independent. We're not endorsed by, affiliated with, or connected to any retailer. All retailer names and trademarks belong to their respective owners. Your Rights: "The Impulse Judge" name, logo, character, roasts, and website content are copyrighted and trademarked. The extension's functional code is open source (MIT License). You can fork the code on GitHub, but the jokes, branding, and creative content remain protected. GitHub: https://github.com/TheImpulseJudge/The-Impulse-Judge Terms: https://theimpulsejudge.com/terms.html Privacy: https://theimpulsejudge.com/privacy.html Side effects may include: increased savings, reduced clutter, existential awareness of consumer habits, and occasional laughter. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🎉 READY TO SAVE MONEY? Your future self is begging you to install this. Click "Add to Browser" above and meet The Impulse Judge. Your wallet will thank you. Your closet will thank you. Your credit card will send a thank you note. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ Questions? Feedback? Stories of conquering impulse buys? Visit: https://theimpulsejudge.com Email: support@theimpulsejudge.com Made with 💚 for impulsive shoppers everywhere.